Ethics Committee Says 'Sex Is Bad' - 28th of April, 2018
Ethics Committee Says 'Sex Is Bad'
Mike:Good evening and welcome to concave news, your most trusted news source on the interwebs. This is Mike.
Dana: And this is Dana.
Dana:What do you think of this Mike? A new study by an ethics committee has come out saying that sex is bad for you, in fact so bad that it should be banned except under strict regulatory conditions. They suggest limiting sexual activity to once per year for married couples and only when performed under a tight framework of parameters.
Mike:Parameters - what kind of parameters Dana?
Dana:Well according to the study both partners need to have signed a set of documents for their employer indicating that they recognise the risk of falling pregnant and that they have signed a waiver indicating that if such circumstances should develop they will resign from their post or provide compensation to their employer. This ties in with the new industrial relations commission.
Mike:Ridiculous. How are they going to monitor that anyway?
Dana:Glad you asked. The ethics committee has lobbied the government to have listening devices set up in the streets as part of the rollout of the NBN to pick up on any unregulated sexual activity.
Mike:Hang on a minute - this applies to employed persons only - doesn't that give an incentive to the unemployed?
Dana:No - not at all Mike, the committee has also suggested tying these new recommendations into breach conditions for receiving and terminating unemployment benefits.
Mike:Marvelous - no one escapes the eyes and ears of the ethics committee. But who shall be in charge of monitoring the listening devices?
Dana:The recordings will be sent offshore - cheaper and low skilled work - outsourcing will provide the answer here. See - everything is accounted for.