Development Log

Written and conceived by Matt Lloyd 2018


The weird odd world of Matt Friday morning - 10th of October, 2019

The weird odd world of Matt Friday morning

Good Morning Matt. It is a Friday morning and I feel fantastic.

In my strange and crazy life there are absolute nightmare moments in my mind that I have fought against for years. There are terrible images, and other sensations.

At times I experience what feels like massive mental oppression from some kind of spiritual or weird otherworldly source. I hear what I term dual layer language, sometimes even triple layer. It is where innocuous comments from members of the public reach in and speak meaningful responses to thoughts I had moments ago.

There's more crazy shit than this I've lived with for several years.

In July a member of the CATT team spoke with me. They were surprised but seemed pleased that although my mental experience was bloody weird I could seemingly cope with it and enjoy life largely.

I've been fighting this battle a long time, putting all sorts of strategies in place and seeking assistance from above where I can.

I do not know how much is my own ability, how much is a gift from above, how much may simply be a mass weird ass hallucination or something that we all live in, or what.

My life may at times look empty and desolate. No trips to Europe or America for me. No fancy car or family and few contacts with friends. But it has a gift which is this amazing struggle I get to endure and fight to grow, to battle.

Heck, there's even a slight chance I could end up homeless on the street and yet I'm learning to sit with this and not fear it for despite such - in some ways I would be even more free than I am now and yet also more pained.

Anyway I made a right choice last night to say no to something which seemes both good and right but also suspect a little.

This morning after a blissful sleep in a clean bed I woke at 6, watched some YouTube videos and dressed in shorts and walked to the gym.

I ran on the treadmill, hardly anyone there. I ran 4km in a fast time for me of 22:45 and did the mile in 8:20. This was good although I felt energized and warm as if drugged in a funny way. At least before I ran.

Then because no one was in the room I experienced a miracle. They have a basketball ring and free throw line marked out. I know my score on the free throw line typically I'm a complete klutz and score at best 3 out of 10 or 6 out of 20. These are my normal lifelong scores. And yet, miracles I cannot explain. When I am in the mental and physical zone as I was just then I can do nothing wrong. I shot 16 out of 20.

That's right my average went from 30 percent to 80 percent. Almost tripled. With no practice or anything, merely a shift in my mind and body state.

This typically happens when I'm unwell. And to be honest I've been unwell in a different way for the period 3rd October until 9th October. I had a sense of being drugged, of being permanently drunk, of having my memories erased-I have little memory of the first week of October. At the same time I had hot flushes, mental fog and impaired judgment and more.

But then from yesterday and this morning it dissipated and as I said I had the miraculous basketball shots of 16 out of 20. That is only 4 misses out of 20 shots.

I'd never be able to repeat it. At least until that mental state and bodily state combined once again to align perfectly as they do.

I said it in 2015 and I'll say it again, Stewart Dew in 2008 grand final knows this experience - he typified it for 5 minutes of the third quarter.

But then, it's no different than the Zener cards test. I scored 28 out of 60 on my first two tests which is ridiculously impossible.

However - how do I explain it.

My life has in some ways fallen apart completely. In others it has been granted the most miraculous and beautiful gifts that are unexplainable.

I live in between both a potential nightmare and a blissful state that is a gift in the midst of weirdness.

I do not know how to explain this life of ours. I hope you have great joy - at least our lives are different. You have kids,family,friends,holidays and stable lives while mine is the life of a crazy adventurer and wanderer in a funny environment that can't be shared easily.

Well, have a good day. Time for me to finish breakfast.